


Lights of Lost Stars

by Hoodini_Bear



Category: Banana Bus Squad, H2O Delirious - Fandom, H2OVanoss - Fandom, VanossGaming
Genre: Angst, Bad Writing, Comfort, Confusion, Denial, First Fanfiction, First Meetings, Fluff, Friendship, Hurt, Insomnia, Internal Conflicts, Internalized Homophobia, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Slow Burn, maybe not that slow, unedited
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 14:38:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8212283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hoodini_Bear/pseuds/Hoodini_Bear
Summary: Evan was always curious. Curious and blunt. So, when Evan’s curiosity broke through his barriers like an earthquake, he blurted out a sentence he would regret,“Jon, what DO you look like?”It had all started during a simple game of Klepto. Two troublemakers just playing their own troublesome games, interacting with each other through the beautiful thing that is the Internet. Evan reminded himself that him and Delirious’ friendship was only online; behind a screen. It wasn’t really special. It couldn't be...he hadn't even seen his face... He had never thought such a simple sentence could lead to something so big but it did. He seriously had wanted to see his best friend's face for the first time. What he got was unnecessary complications and unwanted truth slowly being shoved in his face. And now he wasn’t allowed to play it off as some joke God was playing on him.His feelings sure weren’t a joke. But he could hope so.--In which Delirious and Vanoss are afraid of being too gay. But let's admit, they are.(Ft. An Irregular Updating Schedule)





	1. Late Night Conversations

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm Hoodini_Bear and I have no clue how this website works! This first chapter is just me trying to get a feel for my characters (sounds so wrong I know). Hopefully I can get a hang of this website before I screw up bad. Maybe I already have...oops...
> 
> Anyways, this chapter hasn't been edited at all. I spent like 30 minutes on it and it's TERRIBLE. 
> 
> I was supposed to be doing my assignments and study for my tests, tomorrow. But hey, here's the gay!
> 
> (The title of this story came from two songs: Lights by Cactus in the Valley and Lost Stars by Adam Levine. Go check them out!)

“Mkay, night guys,” Vanoss said, his voice sounding sleepy. He barely heard their replies before he ended the Skype call. He got up from his desk, placing his headset down before stretching. His back cracked and sent relief up his spine.

Him and the guys had just finished playing some Gmod, as usual. Vanoss was confident that he had good enough material for another video, but he wasn’t in the mood to edit the footage. He was too tired, given that it was already 2 in the morning. Evan mentally blamed it on Delirious, that energetic bastard.

Dragging his feet, he made it to the washroom. His eyes were bleary and could barely see if he was missing the toilet bowl or not. He slowly relieved himself of whatever fluids that were in his system (probably just a Mountain Dew and a day old medium Ice Cap he found in his fridge). Zipping himself up, he took to brushing his teeth.

Evan stared himself down in the mirror as he brushed. He hadn’t taken a good look at himself for awhile. After all, he slowly felt himself being sucked into an infinite loop of playing, recording, editing, rendering and posting. He shook his head before splashing himself with water. Evan concluded that he’d do something for himself tomorrow.

“Just me, myself and I,” He cringed at the statement, exiting the bathroom. It made him feel like a loner.

The tired Asian had hardly put his pajamas on before he threw himself at his bed, after turning off the lights. He threw his duvet over his head and waited for a few seconds before-

Gangnam Style starting playing on his phone, on his nightstand. That ringtone could only mean one thing. With a small smile, Evan answered it.

“Wassup, hoe?” A cheeky voice rang out of the phone before Evan could say a proper hello. Given it was the infamous Delirious he was talking to, Evan knew there would never be a “proper” hello between them.

“Hey, bitch,” Evan replied, his voice equally cheerful. He noted how he lost all his tiredness once he heard Jonathan’s voice. Despite the fact it had barely even been 5 minutes since they had last talked, Evan continued with his usual line, “You sound tired. Had trouble sleeping?”

Evan could practically feel Delirious roll his eyes, “Man, you know I’m never tired. The legendary Delirious never sleeps!”

“You just wanted to talk, eh?”

“Yeah, man. Whatcha doing tomorrow?”

Evan racked his brain for whatever he had wanted to do tomorrow. Something for himself, was it? It was autumn and the Canadian weather was freezing his ass, already. Maybe he’d just go to a local Tim Hortons or something. He shook his head to himself. He’d probably go to the rink to just skate around for a bit. But...

“Nothing much,” Evan concluded, “You wanna play some Klepto or something, tomorrow?”

The two had already done a few videos on that glitchy game and they loved it, their fans and them both. Evan enjoyed playing with the guys but sometimes, it was rather nice to play with Delirious, by themselves. However, they didn’t want to over do it or that would be the only content left on their channels.

“Yes, of course,” Delirious agreed, quite happily, his voice sounding fairly loud, “You know, I love that game.”

“Calm down, man,” Evan laughed, “It’s nighttime you’re supposed to relax…”

“And go to sleep? Yeah, right, I will.”

“How can you have so much energy for a man that doesn’t sleep?”

“Red bull, Evan. Red bull solves all yo’ problems.”

“Yeah, yeah. That can’t be good for your body, though.”

“But I’m alive and energetic, no?”

“Luckily.”

“Pfft. Then you have nothing to worry about, Vanoss.”

Evan sighed, “So what time do you wanna play tomorrow? Maybe we should make it in the evening; I might go off somewhere, I don’t know…”

“Uh...like 8 or something?” Jon paused, “You going somewhere?”

“Yeah, maybe the rink,” Evan look over at his alarm clock, it was nearly 2:30 am, “Depends on what time I wake up…”

“Oh sorry, big man,” Jonathan teased, “You need your booty sleep or something?”

“Nah, nah, it’s fine. I...I enjoy talking to you.”

“Gay.”

“It’s not gay if we can’t see each other.”

There it was. Delirious let out his iconic laugh and Evan couldn’t help but laugh, too. It wasn’t a lie, though. Not the gay comment but...he really did enjoy talking to Jon. Delirious always had a way to “wake him up”.

“Man, I enjoy talking to you, too,” Delirious’ voice was nearly a whisper, “Luke usually gets mad at me and tells me to shut the fuck up, when I call him up at this time.”

Evan felt humbled that he was probably Jon’s second choice to talk to after Luke, given that Cartoonz was like a brother to Delirious. He felt himself wishing he lived near them.

 _“It’s not gay if we_ **_can’t see_ ** _each other.”_

Oh yeah. Evan  reminded himself that him and Delirious’ friendship was only over the internet; behind a screen. It wasn’t really special and he didn’t live near him. It was saddening and Evan felt as though he was being way too brutally honest with himself. He dismissed the thought.

“But really,” Delirious continued, helping Evan push away his thoughts, “I’m sorry if I bother you too much. I just need someone to talk to at night, y’know…”

Evan frowned, “Hey man, don’t feel that way. I really mean it when I say that talking to you is enjoyable.”

Evan bit his tongue at that point. It was getting all sappy so he added, “You’re really like batcoon, aren’t you?”

“Yup! Sleepy ass in the daytime and annoying ass at night.”

Evan smiled, drowsily, listening to the older man’s laugh.

_“Who the heck cares if I can’t see him? He’s still my best friend…”_

\--

The two troublemakers had unexpectedly talked through the night, yet again, leaving Evan to wake up at nearly 3 in the afternoon. The Asian man laughed as he looked at the time, reminding himself to never watch the sunrise with Delirious ever again. Even though they were much over 1,000 kilometers away from each other, they still took advantage of their time zone and decided to watch the “miracle” (as a sleepy Delirious liked to call it) together. He had hung up on the older man with a lazy farewell and threw himself into bed at 7:30 am, 5 hours and a half since they started talking. The younger man had questioned his life choices as he fell into a well-needed sleep.

His phone rung at a quarter till 4, while the man was making pancakes in the kitchen. He lazily picked it up, balancing it between his shoulder and ear.

“Hey, ma,” Evan answered, flipping a pancake. His voice came out raspier than he thought it would. He cursed Delirious and his insomnia, as his mother replied.

“Good afternoon, Evan,” His mother’s sweet voice responded, sounding worried, “You’re not hungover, are you? I tried to call you at 9, today, but you wouldn’t pick up. Weren’t you awake?”

“No…” He replied, glancing at the empty wine bottles on the counter from 2 nights before, “I was just talking to a friend of mine for awhile, last night. Didn’t wake up until 3.”

“Oh, was it Jacob?”

Evan twitched at the name of his old friend from high school. He...he hadn’t talked to him for quite awhile. But it didn’t matter now, he was working hard on Youtube now, while his friend probably had a more stable job…

That wasn’t worrying at all.

“No, he’s one of my Youtube friends, Ma,” Evan replied, sliding 4 pancakes onto a plate.

“Was it, John…” His mom paused, “Johnson?”

“Jonathan,” Evan corrected, smiling at his mother’s effort.

“Ah, yes,” His mother was obviously embarrassed, “What did that young man need?”

Evan grinned at the term “young man”. Delirious was nearly 5 years older than her son and she still considered him a “young man”.

“He just couldn’t sleep,” Evan tried to sound as casual as possible, like it was something he did for all his friends. He probably would but Jon was obviously comfortable enough with him. After all, it had taken them a long time to get comfortable enough to talk about their problems.

“Ah,” His mother replied, “But make sure that rascal doesn’t take away all your resting time.”

“Yeah, ma,” Evan squirted some maple syrup onto his pancakes, “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure...”

 _“I don’t really mind though…”_ Evan thought, licking the syrup from his fingers, _“He’s my best friend, after all.”_

He talked to his mother over breakfast, letting her fret and worry over her son’s health. Promising to call again and saying a loving farewell, Evan hung up and washed up.

The man walked up to his bedroom and looked over at his messy desk with his laptop. Cracking his back, he sat down and went to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this crap. Please give me some tips and tricks for this site and my writing. Peace out, my home dogs! (cringes slightly)


	2. Vacuum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I have tumblr now! I'm (obviously) hoodinibear.tumblr.com! I have my chapters posted on there, too! <3
> 
> Sorry for the irregular update (why am I saying irregular when I didn't even have a schedule lol?) but I'm trying to get a hang of my life.
> 
> Enjoy!

Jonathan’s mind felt like a vacuum; nothing entered and nothing came out. For the mere two hours he slept, he dreamt of nothing, just like he had for the past years. Jon’s eyes flickered behind his closed eyelids. No matter if he was awake or asleep, he felt the need to be alert. The bed beneath his body felt small and cramped, like a crib. The smell of pancakes reached his nose, as though it were a ghost. He heard someone humming outside his window. It was terrifying sometimes...not being able to completely shut his senses off. Jonathan twitched under his thin sheet, feeling irritated. He rubbed the cold metal of his phone, in his hand.

He felt harshly empty, as though someone scooped out all his insides from his chest. He always awoke with a feeling of dread and worry crawling up his back but today, it was minimal. His legs tingled, still asleep, as he scrunched himself into fetal position. Jon could feel the bubbling of his stomach, signifying his dire need to puke but he held himself.

“Five more minutes,” He begged his mind to shut off, to become a vacuum again.

After ten seconds of holding his position, he accepted the fact that his brain would never comply. Jonathan rolled off the bed, bringing his bed sheets with him. He still gripped his phone in his hand, like it was his magnum opus. His carpeted bedroom floor smelled as though it hadn’t been washed in decades (which was, in fact, true). Groaning, he pulled himself into fetal position, again.

As though his body wanted him to get the fuck up, Jonathan felt his stomach lurch and he forced himself onto his feet, throwing his sheets and phone to the floor. In less than five seconds, he was bent over the toilet bowl, a mixture of pizza and fruit punch spewing from his mouth.

Staring down at the bowl, the man sighed, “Good morning you lil shit...good fucking morning.”

He held his head in his hands, ignoring the pungent smell emitting from bowl. This was just another normal day for the man. He flushed the toilet, groaning slightly. Jonathan got up to his feet, swaying a little but holding steady. His bare feet tingled feeling the cold marble floor of his bathroom as he shifted toward the sink. Leaning against it, the large mirror put him face to face with his own reflection. And, let’s just say, Jonathan was a mess. He rubbed at the bags under his eyes as he gave himself a much needed stare down.

This was his morning routine; stare yourself down in the mirror to ensure confidence and motivation. Jonathan was sure that was something one of his childhood therapists had told him once… Or had it been Cartoonz? The older man had grown to become one of Jonathan's much needed motivators, when he was at the young, ripe age of 16. But of course, Luke was well in his 20s, dating his older sister at the time. And boy was Jonathan glad that he clicked with Luke, almost right away. It was a tough time for him, to say the least and he had needed that extra support to get through…

Jonathan splashed his face with cold water, expelling all his negative thoughts. It was refreshing but as he stared himself down again, he couldn't help but eye his unevenly shaven chin (and jawline). He had always had trouble growing his facial hair so he had given up on growing it but, for the most part, he continued to shave it all off.

Shrugging Jonathan picked up his toothbrush from the side of the sink along with a tube of toothpaste. Squirting as much as he could, Jonathan went on to aggressively brushing away at his teeth. Luke had once told him that he shouldn't brush them aggressively and by once, Jon definitely remembered him saying it at least five times over.

Jon thought back to the night before, recalling playing some Gmod before slipping into bed with a bag of Doritos and his phone.

Jonathan squinted a little, pausing his aggressive brushing. He had called Evan. He cursed himself, he was always depending on the younger man and calling him to indulge in whimsical late night conversations. It was horrible to think about how little sleep the Canadian should be getting now because of him. Jonathan rubbed at his molars and cringed at his sleepy insomniac self. He truly felt bad for Evan, sighing at the fact that he always picked up on the second ring. It was a great feeling to know that Evan was well aware of his condition (or at least part of it) and was prepared for his bull shit but it brought Jonathan deep horrendous guilt every morning.

But he knew he would continue to call Evan at the darkest of hours until he died from overtalking.

The amount of foam in his mouth was overwhelming as Jonathan spit out the toothpaste and washed up. He debated whether he should shave or not but gave up; there was no way he could fight against his lazy self. He turned himself away from the shower as he exited the bathroom.

Jonathan stretched as he returned to his messy room, which was ideally across from the bathroom. Resisting the urge to return to bed and slowly rot away, the man plucked his phone from the mess of sheet on the floor. And with that, he left the room without a second thought.

Given that he was only in his Calvin Klein boxers, the man decided against gazing out the hallway window as he did every morning. If he had decided to wear pants, that is.

The kitchen was a short walk away from his room and was basically in the centre of his house. Jonathan appreciated that. Knowing himself, Jon probably would have died of starvation by now if the kitchen wasn’t near his bedroom.

The kitchen was a pretty cramped one. Mostly due to the fact that he left almost all his dishes, cans, pans and occasional pots laying around. Jonathan opened the fridge, eyeing the amount of red bull he mustered the courage to buy all in one night. Barely any other foods stood in the fridge, except the most necessary to the man like milk, eggs, bread and butter. It wasn't like he was gonna eat anything but pizza and Chinese food while he worked, anyway.

Ignoring the other choices, Jon plucked an unopened red bull from the fridge and walked out, his morning vomit forgotten. Well, not forgotten, obviously. Jonathan just didn't mind the nausea that came with the extra energy. He needed to be topnotch by tonight.

Head pulsating, the man hummed and opened the can. He exited the kitchen, chugging down the drink. The hallway ended with the living room, meaning right as the man left the kitchen, he was left face to face with last nights mess.

Combing his hands through his hair, Jonathan eyed his xbox and the surrounding clutter,”Lovely…”

He stood in the middle of the living room, peering at the old pizza slices him and Luke had been eating just two days ago. Jonathan laughed at the crusts he had left over. You couldn't really blame him, the energy drinking man never liked his crusts.

A short table lay in between the TV and the sofa. Neatly laid on the table was a note, a glass of water and a small orange bottle. Jonathan walked over to it. He placed his energy drink down alongside his phone.

'Take your damn pills you dumb fuck.”

/Jay :-)

Jonathan playfully stuck out his tongue at no one in particular. He picked up the bottle, noticing how light it had been getting. A green and white pill fell gently into his hand as he uncapped and tilted the bottle. Jonathan took a sip of the water, plopped the pill into his mouth and then drank the remainder of water.

Exhausted, the lazy man in boxers let himself go onto the couch. The “baby poop” colored sofa creaked under his weight and allowed him to sink into the material. Pairs of discarded socks, underwear and ketchup packets laid by his sides.

He pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his head on his knees. Jonathan felt nauseous again so he took to using the fetal position to help his upset stomach. It was horrid but Jonathan had learned to deal with it.

As his stomach made sounds of a bird's mating call, Jonathan thought of his frequent gaming with his friends. The consistent and constant support he got from them was unbearable. During one of their recent games of Uno, Bryce, Ryan and Luke had noticed his uncharacteristic quietness and buried him in declarations of support, despite them being unaware of what was going on. Luke had remained silent, however,but came over afterward to talk with him. Jon thought he couldn't appreciate him more but Luke surpassed his expectations, bringing a canister of chocolate powder and marshmallows over.

Delirious’ phone went off and his hand shot forward like a bullet. The phone nearly fell from his fingers as he clumsily tried to turn it on.

It was a text from Luke.

Well, multiple…

Horny: hey

 

Horny: u doing anything today

 

Horny: imma stab you

 

Horny: play with me, man

Jonathan grinned but paused a little, eyeing the time. It was nearly 10 am and, frankly, he wasn’t in the mood to play anything really. Maybe a walk outside could help him clear his thoughts.

Jonathan got up, not bothering to put anything away. Returning to his bedroom, he flung open his closet and pulled out a random outfit all while fishing through his jacket pockets for earphones. He flung his phone onto the bed and analyzed the outfit he picked. Jonathan wasn’t really a fan of overthinking but boy did he do it a lot. He shrugged and pulled on the jeans, T-shirt and jacket, anyway.

He grabbed his phone and texted Cartoonz back, “Not feeling up to it rn.”

He lost count of how many times he used those exact words to turn him down. Jonathan shook his head and pressed send, anyway. No matter what, Luke would understand.

Plugging his earphones into his phone, Jonathan picked a random playlist and let the music flood his mind.

His mind felt tranquil, as though a wave of sleepiness were flooding him. It was the closest thing he had to relaxation these days, anyway. His body felt as though it were moving on its own as he pulled on his shoes.

And he didn’t feel the slightest bit uneasy as he stepped out of his home and into the streets of Greensboro.

\--

Okay. Maybe he did feel a little uneasy, now.

Jonathan had found his way into a cafe he frequently visited. However, he had forgotten that he looked like a complete mess, today, and the place was basically full. It was filled with seniors, awkward couples and pretty girls who probably wouldn't dare hit on him (unless they were attracted to men who looked like they were heavily stressed out in life). He rubbed his chin, cringing at how scruffy it might look. The bags under his eyes probably made him look homeless. His hair was probably even worse.

And Jonathan couldn’t believe he picked up a faded VanossGaming shirt to wear. It totally screamed “youtube addict” to anyone who laid their eyes on the poor man. And man was he embarrassed.

The cafe was pretty small but was the most popular in the neighbourhood. Delirious, himself, didn’t mind the lack of space but the amount of eyes that could possibly fall on him made the man uneasy. But the reason why Jonathan frequently visited wasn’t for its popularity (with pretty girls, to put it simply) but for the taste of the cafe’s drinks and desserts. It was probably one of the most relaxing places on Earth to him as their hot cocoa, caramel lattes and cinnamon buns sent him off to heaven and back, no one bothering to talk to him.

Today wasn’t as relaxing as it could’ve been, though. It didn’t occur to Jonathan that it was almost the end autumn and young adult men were trying to get girlfriends by Christmas. Now he was stuck surrounded by unnecessarily outgoing people that may or may not be labeling him as an “internet person”.

Or maybe he was overthinking it. He prayed he was imagining those eyes glued to his shirt.

Jonathan sipped his hot cocoa. The music playing in his ears calming his thoughts, once again, as a familiar song started playing.

_“Please don’t see_

_Just a boy caught up in dreams and fantasies…”_

Jonathan hummed. Out of all the songs that were on the playlist, this one had to play. Jonathan smiled at the memories it brought, feeling the ghost of strings between his fingers.

_“Please see me_

_Reaching out for someone I can't see...”_

The feeling disappeared and Jonathan blinked. His fingers started to feel...cold...

_“Take my hand_

_Let's see where we wake up tomorrow_

_Best laid plans sometimes are just a one night stand_

_I'd be damned_

_Cupid's demanding back his arrow-”_

Jonathan frowned and pulled out his phone. He chose another song.

His hands trembled as he finished his drink. The soft playing of a piano filled his ears. He’d much rather hear that than…

“Anything but that…” His own voice echoed in his mind.

Jonathan found himself holding his chest. His right hand grasped the fabric, feeling a little more calm. He focused on it, grounding himself.

  
As he stared at the shirt, letting himself take it in, he cursed himself over and over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I sacrificed my soul to get this chapter out. Please kill me.
> 
> Also, if you guys see any recurring theme or "imagery" in this fanfic, thank my english teacher for teaching me how to write properly. It's always cool having a recurring "thing" in a fanfic.
> 
> Oh yeah and please tell me if anything I might write in this fanfic is offensive. I'm getting a hang of writing different characters and different struggles for them. I also might not be able to get Delirious and Vanoss right in this fanfic but, hopefully, I can learn from you guys! :)
> 
> Thank you so much for believing in me! I'm glad I'm in this fandom! <3


End file.
